Certified Lover Girl 🤎🥹

​_{“I genuinely believe I was a lover girl in my past life. My mates would have been there in primary school, asking to be medical doctors, nurses, engineers, pharmacists and so many other professions that could make several impacts in the world but I’m so sure I just sat there, hoping the teacher didn’t call me to ask me for my future ambition, questioning myself on what impact exactly I would make, as a lover girl.}

 

_{I imagine she did call me and I shakily stood to my feet.}

_{“Something beautiful.” I imagine myself saying, knowing that if I said ‘I just want to be in love’ she would find me so so stupid. You’re expected to dream big or dream stupid at 8 right? Not crave something bigger than you or the entire universe, at large. Something no one ever understood.}

 

_{She would have looked at me dazedly, wondering what the hell an 8 year old meant by something beautiful. Maybe a bowl of cheese-balls like my fellow mates? Or wondering if my frontal lobe had developed enough to understand that there is nothing beautiful about life.}

 

_{I imagine her shaking her head and asking again, but deciding to restructure the annoying question this time.}

 

_{‘What will you like to effectuate?” I imagine that I had cocked my head, wondering why she was using the word ‘effectuate’ to an 8 year old. I also imagine that I repeated the same answer again, strong on my line of thought.}

 

_{“Beautiful things”, I must have said, trying to play the same game she was playing - Restructuring my sentence to ease comprehension.}

 

_{But why did I ever believe anything like love was beautiful? That moment must have shaped my previous self, letting her accept the profession of being a certified lover girl when it had no remunerations, zero pay and zero to show for. No certifications either, well, except the scars on my fragile heart.}

 

_{I wonder if my past self thinks about it.}

_{If she regrets ever choosing that profession above all,}

_{If she ever wishes she chose a profession that would have her head in some calculus instead of her head in the clouds, wondering whatever happens now.}

_{If she could go back in time, Would she have screamed ‘Doctor’ as her mates chorused? Or would she just be stupid and dense as she was at this point in time?}

_{If she ever regrets it because I know so damn well,}

_{I hate every bit of it, at the moment.}

 

_{I imagine how her life went, walking around knowing that she was just a certified lover girl. I imagine her as an individual who became a finished woman just by the curving of lips and them morphing into a beautiful smile. And when those lips did the worst things to her, the woman who stood up again and made her heart flutter for the curving of some other’s, that, is a certified lover girl, exactly what I think she is.}

 

_{Which I think I am too.”}

 

_{Chidinma wrote in her diary.} 

 

_{She closed the dusty book and gazed at the ceiling, sighing. She had finally written down the thoughts that seemed to have been bugging her for the longest. She looked to the ceiling and clutched her fragile heart, apologizing to it for all she had put it through. For an organ so soft and delicate, she had without doubt handed it to people with hammers, whose profession included crushing and breaking everything in their path and she had dared to expect them to take care of it.} 

 

_{Foolish, foolish girl, She mused.}

 

_{She remembered how she told it to be calm and open up again to Dolapo, the hot-bloodied, dark Yoruba man with a smile that could melt ice caps. How it didn’t want to and her mind fought with her against it but she never really cared. She was a certified lover girl. If love came knocking, regardless of whatever state she was, she would open that damn door with a smile on her face.}

 

_{A certified mumu, some might say. She sighed again. Reminding herself of how her head screamed at her when she took walks to steady her broken heart, nursing a wrist that could be broken for all she cared. She had walked to the ends of the earth, thinking her mind could calm down, thinking she could understand or stop the tears from streaming down her face. They hadn’t. They had poured out in streams, her voice cracking into screams that seemed like wailing. She had wailed and she had cried and he did not care. She had screamed and realized that he had forgotten about her 48 hours later, hanging out with his boys and having the time of his life.} 

 

_{But she did not stop there.}

_{She was a lover girl for crying out loud. For when love knocked again, she welcomed it into her home, opening the doors with a smile on her face, her entire skin beginning to glow and beam from all the delusional possibilities that popped in her head.}  

 

_{To Adam, who had been miles away from her but she couldn’t seem to get their first encounter out of her head. He had said hi, clumsily missing a step and almost falling. She had chuckled, held him up and responded to his greetings with eagerness. Whatever had she expected from a clumsy man, she wondered?}

 

_{For a clumsy person shall forever remain clumsy, It was no surprise that he had been clumsy with all of her. Her heart, Her emotions, Her feelings and everything she had to offer. He had claimed them clumsily and in the same light, disposed of them, clumsily.} 

 

_{But Chidinma was clumsy too. She shut herself off from that and loved again. Clumsily giving herself yet to another person who would break her in ways she found unimaginable. Someone who broke her heart continuously, finding ways, both little and huge to scar her. She would always go back every time though. It was an endless cycle. As long as there was love to give, even the most minute of amounts, she would consume it greedily, ignoring the screams of her throat asking for more.}

 

_{He would come to her with some flimsy apology and Chidinma would find herself moaning into his mouth seconds later. It was always repetitive, the same damn thing every time until it would simply be tagged a disgrace if she went back to him. Then and only then, did she remind herself that there was love at home, holding together the pieces of her heart like shattered glass, wondering however she could piece it back together this time.}

 

_{Oh, How much could her poor heart bear, she wondered.}

 

_{She turned back to her diary, opening up another page, a new set of thoughts clouding her head.} 

 

 

_{I watched as she wrote and thought and pondered, her little head bopping and shaking as tears welled up in her eyes and I sighed. You’re ever only deserving of the love you have for yourself, I wanted to scream. A certified lover girl, she was, for sure. But for who?, I wanted to ask.} 

 

^{Would it be worth it, in the end? Whatever happened when her heart couldn’t do it any longer, giving up and turning cold, devoid of any emotion? I had so many questions but They would go unanswered. I was just the voice in her head. The little voice of reason, everyone seemed to ignore}_. 

 

_{She would love again. It was what they always did. These little creatures that tagged themselves as lover girls. She would love again and if it breaks her, she would pick up the shards and undoubtedly give all of her love to the next person.} 

 

_{​Until one day, her fragile heart lands in the softest of hands. Maybe then, she could finally rest. But till then, this was her profession, her career option. She chose the doom, She had better dwell in it until the light came.} 

 

_{Or until she finally sees reality.} 

_{That it might never come.}

_{Dearest gentle reader (in Lady Whistledown’s  voice),} 

_{It’s been forever. I’ve not written to you. Did you miss me? I did miss you. But this one is not about us both. It’s about the lover girls  who without a doubt, love relentlessly, continuously and hopelessly.} 

_{Are you such? Are you also a certified lover? A real lover?} 

_{do let me know!} 

_{till next time(hopefully not too long).} 

_{With Love,} 

_Always, 

_A. 

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